Ask me about…. my sadness

“We cannot think of being acceptable to others until we have first proven acceptable to ourselves.”
― Malcolm X
I’m having a bit of trouble at the moment coming to terms with my recent break up. Maybe if I put it down on paper – so to speak – I could help to process things in my mind and get over my heart break.

I’m not sad that I’m alone, I like alone, I’m sad for what could have been. I’m sad for all the dreams I had of us being together and growing old. I loved her. I loved so many things about her. I think though I was prepared to overlook the things that didn’t work with us and compromise for the rest of my life, and it still would have been a good life, because she was in it. She was the one. For years I had played out how I was going to propose. I had brought the ring early in our relationship for I was sure that I wanted to be with her. We had talked about it, and been really excited about it, but then the week before I was about to propose, she got scared of the commitment and said lets see how we go first. After that, in my mind, I was never good enough.

I was always stuck in the catch up lane. I was still studying, not working full time, not able to have the regular hours and not able to go on holidays with her. I always had the end goal in sight. Finish studying, get good job, get the girl. A month before I finished studying ( I already had the good job), she dropped the bombshell that she had lost the spark. We both knew she was right. It had been slowly diminishing while we both were caught up with our separate lives. In my attempt to become worthy, I had thrown everything into my study and my work and although I had always made an effort to spend quality time with her, it was not enough and I hadn’t pursued enough of the ‘fun’ things that we had used to do. My time and my money was constrained, and although she knew it was for a good cause and with an end in sight, she decided at the very end, that it was just too hard to come back from.

That is another post in the future for sure. There have been lots of things written about the ‘Upgrade my life’ sentiment that surrounds the disposal nature of so many things currently. To be driven to succeed is to dispose of unnecessary baggage or dead weight along the way. I’m not saying she thought I was dead weight, but I think she clearly thinks that she will find someone more worthy of her, whatever that trait is. I don’t think she even knows it, and I’m guessing that she may never find it long term. She may find another person who will worship her in the short term, but it won’t work out long term, she will get bored.

Anyway, this is just a few musings of a hurt man, who almost had it all, and now has to summon a whole lot of strength to rise to the challenge to become the best he can be, which will hopefully be comparable to what she will eventually be. She is on a trajectory to be very successful, and I am determined to prove my worth.

I will prove my worth to her, eventually I will feel worthy of being with her, and that’s when I’ll know that I shouldn’t have been with her in the first place.

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